Seriously Serious

I would like to take the time to address a very fucking serious issue.

I'm aware that it's been a popular activity for quite some time to sit in cafe's and take care of varying literary tasks. Whether you're an accomplished writer working on a new novel or just an angry teenager writing in your journal about how much of your mothers heroin you shot up in the bathroom, this has been a pastime for numerous individuals as long as cafe's have been around.

It's often I find myself with oodles and oodles of free time so I take part in this myself occasionally. I have things I like to write and I like to do it in busy places for the sake of inspiration. When I try to do these things at home I don't quite feel it, if that makes any sense. I don't even use the internet, because I'm sure as hell not going to pay to sit there and browse idly on the internet. I pay to do that at home, where it's comfortable and there aren't bystanders to be offended by the terrible shit I'm likely to be looking up. Or my nudity.

In any case, in the last few years I've noticed that this particular pastime is now a ridiculous fucking trend. Hipsters, yuppies, and plenty of others are seen in Starbucks and similar establishments all over America sitting on their laptops doing completely inane shit. At times for hours on end. Browsing the internet idly, chatting with their friends (sometimes sitting right fucking across from them) and god knows what other useless crap. It's one thing to do this at an internet cafe, because that's exactly what you're fucking supposed to be doing there. But in other places, this is just bull shit really.

But okay, fine. People can do what they want with their time. And normally, I really don't give that much of a shit. Obviously I give some shit, because it does bother me to some degree. And when things bother you, you give a shit. But today I have seen the peak of this mountain of useless nonsense.

I once again found myself unable to be home but with free time today, so I decided to go to my usual Barnes and Noble to get a few red bulls in me and organize some of my notes. As I sat there, I noticed a man walk into the cafe area carrying two rather large backpacks. He's white, middle aged, and rather portly. All he has on are a pair of sweats and a yellow t-shirt, both of which seem to not have been washed in some time. What happens next is probably one of the most ridiculous things I've seen in a while.

This... guy sits down at a table that seats four and proceeds to unload from his backpacks: 2 laptops, power cables for both, a corded mouse for one, an extension cord, and a surge protector. Naturally, I am completely fucking appalled. You could make the argument that this guy obviously does something important, and clearly has a lot of fucking work to do. But isn't this shit usually done in an office? Maybe he works out of home, you say? Well then why the fuck isn't he at home? He certainly appears to be dressed for that particular occasion.

He sets up all of his gear and turns both laptops on. I'm expecting him to load up spread sheets and see numbers and text and whatever the fuck else might look complex and important at a glance. But no, that's not what he does. He loads up a browser on one, and several instant messenger programs on the other, and then proceeds to be a waste of fucking space.

He didn't even buy anything from the shop.

I always make sure to at least buy something to drink so they don't bother me about using the tables if I'm not getting anything. Because there is a rather large sign that explicitly states: CAFE TABLES ARE FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY. On this occasion I've bought several red bulls and a piece of cheesecake for my fat ass. Him? Nothing. No coffee, no water, no delicious cake or pastry for his fat ass.

Seriously? Did he claim this as his office space? Does he pay rent for that table? It's two in the fucking afternoon, and he is here, doing this? Does he really not have a fucking home to go to? This would at least be slightly expected from some yuppie fucker with his macbooks. But that's not the case. With this guy, it just raises alarming questions about his lifestyle. They're not even good laptops. They're old, and look to be running rather shittily. If you think I'm just picking on the guy, he even took an extra chair to put a plate with a cup of water on. Can you honestly tell me this isn't bull shit?



You know how you deal with people like this? You tie him with his fucking cables and then take a shit on both of his keyboards. Then, close both laptops and beat him to death with them.

But no, I won't do that. I can't do that. I'm not allowed to. (Also he's a lot fucking bigger than me). I did the only sensible thing I really could do, and that was tell an employee that there's a fat fuck taking up a lot of space with bull shit. So they told him to buy something or move. So he bought something and stayed there, while I left, disgusted.

I don't even know what else to say about this. But I am glad I can rant obscenely about things that piss me off on the internet, instead of confronting the issues in real life. I'll always have that.